Blissfully exhausted. Today was an awesome first day of classes. I’ve probably never clapped so much in my life. At the beginning I want to review basic greetings, leave-takings and getting-to-know-you dialogues. But let’s face it, asking the same question (How are YOU? HOW are you? How ARE you?) 50 times in a 40 minute class is painful to say the least. So this year I’m using Jazz Chants, which is basic English vocabulary, conversation and grammar set to the rhythm of American jazz music. So using a four beat rhythm we’re learning a dialogue and having a blast. And it really helps them remember it and get the pronunciation and intonation correct. Otherwise they sound like a bunch of zombies. I told them as much too. They like my imitation of zombie/robot English student. Oh the things we do as teachers.
In other important life-altering news – I got a new mattress!!! Actually I should rephrase that to say that I got A mattress. Three inches of foam on 6 wooden slats is not a mattress. So unbelievably happy, grateful relieved etc. There had been talk of a new mattress last year but part of me was trying no to get my hopes up. Then when I got here my host mom was so apologetic explaining that they hadn’t had a chance to go buy the new mattress. Still was skeptical but semi-hopeful. Finally when I got back from orientation she said they’d bought the mattress but still had to pick it up. Two weeks, and many sleepless, painful nights later I was becoming distressed. Should I ask about the mattress? How much longer could I reasonable live without a good nights sleep? Then one afternoon it arrived! I all but ran into my room to tear the sheets and “foam” off. I felt like a kid getting a new toy who can’t wait to open it. All I wanted to do was lie on it. I could barely sit through dinner that night. Since then I’ve been sleeping better and not waking up with headaches or feeling like a 98 year old. You might think I’m being dramatic but if you’ve ever spent any time sleeping on a crappy or non-existent mattress you will understand the pure joy of this creature comfort.
Also feeling really motivated to do a bit of yoga each day since I have time in my schedule (less time spent walking too and from school) and more space in my room AND the house is generally quieter. Hope to keep it up. I’m really liking the new house for a lot of reasons though I do miss my old family and have lots of great memories from last year. Can’t wait to start visiting people in the afternoons!
2.14.2011
2.08.2011
beginner's mind
Feeling a bit out of sorts and beside myself. Most people who hear that I’m here for a second year here teaching Costa Rica tell me “How wonderful! It’s going to be so much easier this year!” and “You seem so happy! Good for you!” Which is true… sort of. I do enjoy being a know-it-all at times but if this experience has taught me anything it’s how to be a know-absolutely-nothing. And so here I am beginning again.
Sometimes I feel slightly insane for convincing myself or letting myself be convinced to stay or for being brave enough to listen to the voice of wisdom or whatever that told me to return. I think it’s probably good that I’m choosing to stay outside my comfort zone a bit longer (though to be honest I’m not even sure where or what that zone is sometimes). I’m still struggling with how to be more authentically my self especially in Spanish. I’m fairly certain that once classes start life will regain some meaning. Some clarity and normalcy.
And while times of transition and change leave me with more questions then answers it seems that something always unexpected brings me back to myself. In the midst of all these feelings of confusion we recently had a meeting of the youth group that I worked with last year. I thought about not going, but pulled “it” --myself, my hair, my Spanish -- together enough to go. Things got planned, I said no to some things and yes to others. My Spanish fell apart mid-sentence. And then I put it back together and refrained from interrupting. I apologized. I laughed. Sometimes laughing without realizing it, without meaning to is a small miracle. As Anne Lamott says in her book Traveling Mercies, “Grace is the light or electricity or juice or breeze that takes you from that isolated place and puts you with others who are as startled and embarrassed and eventually grateful as you are to be there.” Anyway the point is the meeting helped me get away from myself, to reach out and connect to something which is all I really needed. A whole bunch of other messy stuff is still bubbling up and swirling and aching inside. But we just have to learn how to feel alone or sad or lost and how to let it pass. And so that’s what I’m doing.
Sometimes I feel slightly insane for convincing myself or letting myself be convinced to stay or for being brave enough to listen to the voice of wisdom or whatever that told me to return. I think it’s probably good that I’m choosing to stay outside my comfort zone a bit longer (though to be honest I’m not even sure where or what that zone is sometimes). I’m still struggling with how to be more authentically my self especially in Spanish. I’m fairly certain that once classes start life will regain some meaning. Some clarity and normalcy.
And while times of transition and change leave me with more questions then answers it seems that something always unexpected brings me back to myself. In the midst of all these feelings of confusion we recently had a meeting of the youth group that I worked with last year. I thought about not going, but pulled “it” --myself, my hair, my Spanish -- together enough to go. Things got planned, I said no to some things and yes to others. My Spanish fell apart mid-sentence. And then I put it back together and refrained from interrupting. I apologized. I laughed. Sometimes laughing without realizing it, without meaning to is a small miracle. As Anne Lamott says in her book Traveling Mercies, “Grace is the light or electricity or juice or breeze that takes you from that isolated place and puts you with others who are as startled and embarrassed and eventually grateful as you are to be there.” Anyway the point is the meeting helped me get away from myself, to reach out and connect to something which is all I really needed. A whole bunch of other messy stuff is still bubbling up and swirling and aching inside. But we just have to learn how to feel alone or sad or lost and how to let it pass. And so that’s what I’m doing.
2.01.2011
birthday blues
Part of me feels a little broken hearted from what’s missing today, on my birthday. From the fact that I am so far from the people who have loved me all my life and want to celebrate me. It’s not about the gifts or the cake but the thought of being celebrated on the day you came into existence by the people you love is quite nice. Well okay, who am I kidding, I love cake. But I miss my parents most today. And my grandparents too. I’m having a lonely moment and feeling it fully.
I meant to turn this around sooner and talk about the other part of me, that part that feels loved and happy right where I am. But all the transition of the past few months has gotten me confused about where I belong and who I am and whether any of this will ever be clear. Then I realized that perhaps some expectations have snuck in while I wasn’t looking. Some ideas about where I should be or how things should be going. That’s all. So what if I let that go of all my ideas of who I should be, of all (or at least some) of my expectations? Maybe letting go can open up some space for for gratitude and growth and best of all the unexpected.
Getting caught up in daydreams and expectations isn’t a crime. It’s part of being human. But it’s good to stop and realize that as unreal as they are, they can cause us real pain and suffering. So while what I might want to have all the people I love very close to me the reality is that love travels near and far. And while I'm thinking about my parents and grandparents, looking at silly baby pictures I’ve brought with me I realize I was loved even before I existed. And this simple thought is enough to melt my sadness and know that I am love today too.
I meant to turn this around sooner and talk about the other part of me, that part that feels loved and happy right where I am. But all the transition of the past few months has gotten me confused about where I belong and who I am and whether any of this will ever be clear. Then I realized that perhaps some expectations have snuck in while I wasn’t looking. Some ideas about where I should be or how things should be going. That’s all. So what if I let that go of all my ideas of who I should be, of all (or at least some) of my expectations? Maybe letting go can open up some space for for gratitude and growth and best of all the unexpected.
Getting caught up in daydreams and expectations isn’t a crime. It’s part of being human. But it’s good to stop and realize that as unreal as they are, they can cause us real pain and suffering. So while what I might want to have all the people I love very close to me the reality is that love travels near and far. And while I'm thinking about my parents and grandparents, looking at silly baby pictures I’ve brought with me I realize I was loved even before I existed. And this simple thought is enough to melt my sadness and know that I am love today too.
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