beginner's mind

Feeling a bit out of sorts and beside myself. Most people who hear that I’m here for a second year here teaching Costa Rica tell me “How wonderful! It’s going to be so much easier this year!” and “You seem so happy! Good for you!” Which is true… sort of. I do enjoy being a know-it-all at times but if this experience has taught me anything it’s how to be a know-absolutely-nothing. And so here I am beginning again.

Sometimes I feel slightly insane for convincing myself or letting myself be convinced to stay or for being brave enough to listen to the voice of wisdom or whatever that told me to return. I think it’s probably good that I’m choosing to stay outside my comfort zone a bit longer (though to be honest I’m not even sure where or what that zone is sometimes). I’m still struggling with how to be more authentically my self especially in Spanish. I’m fairly certain that once classes start life will regain some meaning. Some clarity and normalcy.

And while times of transition and change leave me with more questions then answers it seems that something always unexpected brings me back to myself. In the midst of all these feelings of confusion we recently had a meeting of the youth group that I worked with last year. I thought about not going, but pulled “it” --myself, my hair, my Spanish -- together enough to go. Things got planned, I said no to some things and yes to others. My Spanish fell apart mid-sentence. And then I put it back together and refrained from interrupting. I apologized. I laughed. Sometimes laughing without realizing it, without meaning to is a small miracle. As Anne Lamott says in her book Traveling Mercies, “Grace is the light or electricity or juice or breeze that takes you from that isolated place and puts you with others who are as startled and embarrassed and eventually grateful as you are to be there.” Anyway the point is the meeting helped me get away from myself, to reach out and connect to something which is all I really needed. A whole bunch of other messy stuff is still bubbling up and swirling and aching inside. But we just have to learn how to feel alone or sad or lost and how to let it pass. And so that’s what I’m doing.