birthday blues

Part of me feels a little broken hearted from what’s missing today, on my birthday. From the fact that I am so far from the people who have loved me all my life and want to celebrate me. It’s not about the gifts or the cake but the thought of being celebrated on the day you came into existence by the people you love is quite nice. Well okay, who am I kidding, I love cake. But I miss my parents most today. And my grandparents too. I’m having a lonely moment and feeling it fully.

I meant to turn this around sooner and talk about the other part of me, that part that feels loved and happy right where I am. But all the transition of the past few months has gotten me confused about where I belong and who I am and whether any of this will ever be clear. Then I realized that perhaps some expectations have snuck in while I wasn’t looking. Some ideas about where I should be or how things should be going. That’s all. So what if I let that go of all my ideas of who I should be, of all (or at least some) of my expectations? Maybe letting go can open up some space for for gratitude and growth and best of all the unexpected.

Getting caught up in daydreams and expectations isn’t a crime. It’s part of being human. But it’s good to stop and realize that as unreal as they are, they can cause us real pain and suffering. So while what I might want to have all the people I love very close to me the reality is that love travels near and far. And while I'm thinking about my parents and grandparents, looking at silly baby pictures I’ve brought with me I realize I was loved even before I existed. And this simple thought is enough to melt my sadness and know that I am love today too.