joy is going for a walk

"Every day I see or hear something that more or less kills me with delight, that leaves me like a needle in the haystack of light."
— Mary Oliver

I’ve been going for walks lately, in the evenings. I’m convinced that dusk is some sort of magical time on this mountain. These walks are like a daily dose of awe and gratitude. Yesterday everything lay wet and whispering from the rain, glittering in the light of the rising moon. How comforting it felt to watch a cool mist as it wrapped itself around these mountains. We are neighbors with the clouds. I sat by the stream that runs under the road and listened to the flow of the night around me. The noise of it alone, the quiet, the chirps and whistles, the sighs of the setting sun, is enough to make me breathe a little deeper. What is it about this mountain that so enchants me, that sets my heart on fire and makes me swoon? I spend most of my walk in utter disbelief that I am actually here, experiencing this, like the shock and awe we feel in the first weeks of new love. How did I get so lucky to find this? Dusk falls and the moon rises behind the mountaintop. Every tree top, every bush and blade of grass shimmering, illuminated by fireflies doing their nightly dance. I am surrounded. A single step off the road and I’m sure they would cover me and carry me off. The darkness sparkles with their electricity and all around is a raw beauty that stops me in my steps. Tonight the moon, the mountains, the fading light of day and the glow of stars and fireflies split me open. I walked nearly breathless, mouth hanging open in awe, gasping and sighing at the mystery and wonder of it. I become unhinged in the presence of the Universe like this and I can’t help but utter “thank you thank you thank you” to whatever might be listening.

one wild and precious life

Amazing. Today was like the Universe giving me a big, reassuring hug. I’ve been feeling blocked lately. Like my wheels are spinning but I can’t get over the hump to be where I want to be or to do what I want to do. Some of the projects I'm working on are going slow and I'm feeling a bit frustrated and impatient. Anyway I guess sometimes all it takes is showing up and making yourself available for coincidence. Walking to the entrance today I met on of the mothers from the school. The first highlight is that I’m going to make cheese tomorrow! On the way home I talked to two other women from town. One is the mother of my special education student in first grade. I feel pretty frustrated and impatient most days he's in my class and I’m really not sure how to really teach him and not just have him attend my class. She seems willing to communicate and work with me (and the other teachers) in any way possible. Before I fully understood the situation with her son I was pretty critical of her but now I honestly think she’s doing the best that she can so that's reassuring. I also talked with the mother of one of my sixth graders. I told her about how great she’s doing in English this year, that she seems much more motivated. I asked if her daughter wants to go to high school next year (her daughter had told me no but I had a suspicion this was not the whole story). The mother said that yes (!) she wants to go but that she doesn’t want to send her because she’s her youngest, her last child, her baby. What do I even say to that? I told her I can understand because I’m my mother’s only child so she worries about me a lot. But then my Spanish kind of failed and I feel like I could have done a better job empathizing and explaining that the best way to take care of her is to give her a chance to get an education. Although this doesn't resolve any of the issues with my extra curricular activities sometimes it feels good just to talk to people, to make contact and learn something new about the people I live with and teach.

I hope that I get another chance to talk with this mother about her daughter going to high school but at the same time it brings up the age-old question of what can I really do? How do I find balance between the way my heart twists and turns and aches with care and concern for every student and the reality of my influence in these matters? Being the perfectionist/idealist I am, I’m never really satisfied with the extent of my efforts, I always feel there is something more I could be doing. If only I could just be more patient in the classroom and motivate everyone to learn. I think this is why I have so much trouble sleeping. I stress myself out about what I’m not doing or what I can’t do or change but the idea of the impossible just doesn’t sit right with me. There’s always SOMETHING you can do, right? Sometimes, I try to make my brain work in reality… to come up with some sort of rational, quantitative answer to “what can I really do?” Ultimately this fails. I feel alternately tired and unsure; ready to give up on certain things and energized and hopeful ready to put everything I’ve got on the line. The computer project is at a stand still but the girls group is going well and there are at least a half dozen other project ideas floating around my head. Until I can find a balance between reality and my idealism, I’ll try to avoid the thought of my dwindling time in this community and fill my mind with appreciation for what I am able to do and where I am right now.


"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" Mary Oliver