darkness and December

I had a dream last night that gave me the sense that although I’m not ready to leave right now it would indeed be time to leave in December and that I will be more ready when the time comes. I also went and visited my host family from last year which is always fun and I left with a bag full of oranges. Walking home with the swish of the plastic bag swinging in my hand, the darkness descended around me. There are a few scattered streetlights but even those have trouble piercing the darkness of this mountain under a new moon. There is this one turn in the road, a particularly dark corner with no houses or streetlights. With the wind whispering and moving around me, figures appear and dissolve among the trees and leaves. And this tall corner of the mountain looms frighteningly dark, no curves or forms visible in the blackness. I generally consider myself fearless. I have walked alone on city streets at all hours of the morning and night. But as I approached this unlit blackness, it gave me chills. Not unlike the month of December, which looms ahead and makes my stomach flip flop at the thought of the dark unknown that follows. But as I approached, my footsteps echoing, my eyes seem to adjust and what at first seemed an impenetrable blackness was really only a very dark grey. In the midst of the darkness I sensed some light that I hadn’t noticed before and without I realizing it I'm on the other side. So maybe that’s what will happen come December too. Maybe it’s not really as dark and unknown as it seems from this side. Maybe as I approach and enter into it, I will adjust and it will actually be much lighter than it seems now and then, before I know it, I’ll be on the other side.

vacation in the U.S.A.

After two weeks vacation we had an eerily amazing first day back. The kids were so well-behaved and smarter than I remember. I’m still a bit tired from all the traveling but elated to be back. I had a two whirlwind weeks home full of good times. It was so awesome to celebrate summer with so many of the people I love. There was kayaking, barbeques, a graduation party, smore’s, a trip to the zoo, LOTs of pizza and salads, green smoothies, a trip to NH with my mom including an awesome massage, shopping, napping and walks in the woods. Couldn’t have asked for a better vacation. I ended up flying home a day later than expected because I showed up at the airport with no passport! Oops! But in reality it all worked out amazingly well (didn’t even have to pay a fee to change my flight! Thanks Continental!) and I felt so much calmer leaving the next morning, if maybe a bit overtired. I got to spend an extra night in Boston with my dear friend Tiffany and our kitty Noche.

Despite the amazing vacation, I have been so happy to be coming “home” again and feel an odd reluctance to return to Boston come December. I’ve found so much happiness here in Costa Rica, found a way to live and do meaningful work as part of a community, which is so fulfilling to me. I’m so happy where I am and a part of me is afraid to leave. So hard to imagine leaving it all behind to start over. Simultaneously exciting, frightening and full of possibility.