I enjoyed a blissful but busy holiday week. It was actually filled with highs and lows. A preview of coming attractions I think. I traveled to Orosi, the town where it all began, for our end of service meetings. Similar to last year except this time, I'm actually leaving. We had an amazingly delicious Thanksgiving dinner. But honestly considering what most of us have been eating this year it doesn't take much to make us rave. I'll admit I spent a good portion of the meal with my eyes closed savoring the flavors. Something I really love about my time here is that it has given me a deeper and more genuine appreciation for the simplest things. Hot showers, good food, talking with loved ones. Speaking of which I was delighted to talk to a bunch of my family on Thanksgiving and hear how much they miss me. Really helps to be reminded that I'm missed and loved at home and that people are excited to have me back. I'm grateful for my family at home but also for all the ways my community and my family has grown these past two years. I feel blessed to be a part of something, to be connected with such amazing people and to even have this opportunity in the first place.
On Friday we celebrated in San Jose with a final party at the hostel. It was a blast but also mixed with some sadness that our amazing adventure is coming to an end. Time for bigger and better adventures! Now I'm home and pretty exhausted physically and emotionally. I didn't really cry much this weekend or on the bus ride home (bus rides tend to make me sad). And not to say I don't love the other volunteers or that I won't miss them. They have helped me keep my sanity at times and each of them is so strong and inspiring in their own way. But as soon as I stepped off that bus, breathed in that fresh mountain air and started to walk down the road into town I fell apart. Because I was home and all I could think about was having to leave. Because this place, this community is a part of me now. The person I've become and the person I left behind all happened here.
"You get a strange feeling when you're about to leave a place...like you'll not only miss the people you love but you'll miss the person you are now at this time, and this place, because you'll never be this way ever again."- Azar Nafisi
My favorite part about traveling in Costa Rica: coming home. Stepping off that bus and feeling that sigh of relief ripple through me, feeling myself fully arrived. So the question comes again, how do I leave? How does anyone leave something, some place or someone they love and care about? Can someone please teach me the art of saying good-bye because right now I feel lost...
11.27.2011
11.20.2011
you are not alone in this
Friday morning I woke up and my first thought was "I want always to wake up here." I woke up with a feeling of pure happiness and contentment to be in that bed, in this house, in this town, with this family, in this country, right where I am right now. While I've had this feeling before, present moment joy, I've never woke up with that feeling. Of course this moment was quickly followed with the reality that I will not always wake up here. But instead of making me very sad, I laid in bed and acknowledged my joy in that moment. I thought about my day and felt grateful and excited to still have, at the very least, a whole day ahead of me to be here and enjoy myself.
"Be where you are
long enough
to be aware
you
are."
I want to write about leaving but I am full of so many thoughts and feelings. I don't know where to start. I once read somewhere of a teacher comparing the end of year to breaking up or getting dumped. You just want to keep loving them and teaching them but they're ready to move on, to summer break and other grades and other teachers. And they might not remember you, they probably won't call or write but you'll always think about them. You invest everything into your work with them only to have to let them go. Now multiply all that by 36 and then again by however many families and other people I've come to love here and you start to see why the thought of leaving gives me a heaviness of heart and a tightness in my throat. I knew going into this "relationship" that it was going to end. But I dove in heart first anyway. And I don't regret it, except that now its starting to hurt a bit and my mind is swirling with doubts. What if they don't remember me? Did I love them enough? Could I have done more? Could I have been a better teacher? And the biggest question of all... How do I say goodbye?
Sometimes it helps to think of going home. To think of all the love and community and reconnection that awaits me. All the continued transformation and growth. Yes this is the end but it is also, as always, a beginning. But this is what tears at my heart. I love two places. I am torn between my love of here and there, of now and then. Is there any way to reconcile this?
Change is constant and loss is inevitable. Sometimes, if we're lucky, we have some warning so that we can appreciate what we have before its gone. It's upsetting to think that all this will one day be just a memory but they will be good ones and until then I can keep waking up here, keep being here until I'm not. It amazes me what this experience is still teaching me. These last days are filled with lessons on love and loss. Yes, my heart is breaking but why? To let in more light and love!
"Be where you are
long enough
to be aware
you
are."
I want to write about leaving but I am full of so many thoughts and feelings. I don't know where to start. I once read somewhere of a teacher comparing the end of year to breaking up or getting dumped. You just want to keep loving them and teaching them but they're ready to move on, to summer break and other grades and other teachers. And they might not remember you, they probably won't call or write but you'll always think about them. You invest everything into your work with them only to have to let them go. Now multiply all that by 36 and then again by however many families and other people I've come to love here and you start to see why the thought of leaving gives me a heaviness of heart and a tightness in my throat. I knew going into this "relationship" that it was going to end. But I dove in heart first anyway. And I don't regret it, except that now its starting to hurt a bit and my mind is swirling with doubts. What if they don't remember me? Did I love them enough? Could I have done more? Could I have been a better teacher? And the biggest question of all... How do I say goodbye?
Sometimes it helps to think of going home. To think of all the love and community and reconnection that awaits me. All the continued transformation and growth. Yes this is the end but it is also, as always, a beginning. But this is what tears at my heart. I love two places. I am torn between my love of here and there, of now and then. Is there any way to reconcile this?
Change is constant and loss is inevitable. Sometimes, if we're lucky, we have some warning so that we can appreciate what we have before its gone. It's upsetting to think that all this will one day be just a memory but they will be good ones and until then I can keep waking up here, keep being here until I'm not. It amazes me what this experience is still teaching me. These last days are filled with lessons on love and loss. Yes, my heart is breaking but why? To let in more light and love!
“The heart that breaks open can contain the whole universe.” ― Joanna Macy
11.18.2011
you don't have to be a genius
*expansion of a conversation started on Google+
A recent conversation at lunch had people talking about whether its really worthwhile to go to high school, whether there's any point in furthering one's education when there don't appear to be any jobs available. It's hard not to feel completely useless and defeated as a teacher when you hear a conversation like that. What am I supposed to do then if that's the way people think and that's the mentality they're passing on to their children? What chance do I have as a teacher if no one wants to learn? How does one attempt to motivate and inspire from this place? Sometimes they think I just don't understand because I'm from another culture/country when really I have valuable perspective to offer. And not to say that everyone here is close-minded or anything. I've found this mentality wherever I go, that things won't change so why bother trying. It can be hard for people to see their responsibility in making change happen.
But that doesn't make it all my responsibility either. Its just another lesson in "don't take it personally" which is something I haven't quiet mastered yet. I just care so much and want things to be better for people that sometimes I get frustrated when I feel like I'm working my hardest to make things better and that isn't enough. I just want to be great! I want to move and motivate and inspire and I want to see and feel results! Is that to much to ask? The short answer, yes.
This talk by Elizabeth Gilbert that I recently watched presents an interesting perspective on greatness and creativity in particular. She talks about how our culture puts the responsibility for creativity on the individual. So if you create something amazing, you're a creative genius but if you then make something awful, it's because you're awful and have lost your greatness. No wonder so many artists and writers suffer from mental illness. What human being could possibly handle the responsibility of the sort of greatness and creativity we value and expect and produce that all the time. Her suggestion is that we return to the ancient Greek and Roman understanding, which is creativity as something outside of the individual person that comes to us as a spirit from some unknown place for unknown reasons. If you do something great, it's not because you are a genius, it's because you HAVE an awesome spirit or genius guiding you. And conversely when a person really bombs it's because their spirit genius is not stepping up, not because the individual is a failure.
So all of this has me thinking about what I can reasonably expect from myself as a teacher. About how much responsibility and expectation I put on myself to be great, to be some sort of teaching genius EVERY DAY! Okay, so obviously when I put it like this it sounds absurd and impossible. But like creativity, our culture supports this myth of teacher as savior. This blog talks about the teacher as savior stereotype in books and movies as "..one teacher saves the students—not through structural change, but through individual pluck." Just not realistic given the number of outside influences that impact a teachers work in the classroom.
So what if I used that same concept of the creative genius spirit and apply it to my work as a teacher. It almost feels like I can breath again. I just keep showing up, doing my part and hope that my genius shows up too and helps me create greatness, helps me inspire and motivate my students. But if it doesn't, I keep showing up anyways. It's no longer about personal success and failure in the classroom. I don't have to be a genius, I don't have to figure it all out and be the best teacher in the whole world. The Universe isn't interested in results anyway. I just have to be a teacher and if that's what I'm meant to be doing, the Universe, the genius spirit or whoever will do the rest, showing up when needed.
A recent conversation at lunch had people talking about whether its really worthwhile to go to high school, whether there's any point in furthering one's education when there don't appear to be any jobs available. It's hard not to feel completely useless and defeated as a teacher when you hear a conversation like that. What am I supposed to do then if that's the way people think and that's the mentality they're passing on to their children? What chance do I have as a teacher if no one wants to learn? How does one attempt to motivate and inspire from this place? Sometimes they think I just don't understand because I'm from another culture/country when really I have valuable perspective to offer. And not to say that everyone here is close-minded or anything. I've found this mentality wherever I go, that things won't change so why bother trying. It can be hard for people to see their responsibility in making change happen.
But that doesn't make it all my responsibility either. Its just another lesson in "don't take it personally" which is something I haven't quiet mastered yet. I just care so much and want things to be better for people that sometimes I get frustrated when I feel like I'm working my hardest to make things better and that isn't enough. I just want to be great! I want to move and motivate and inspire and I want to see and feel results! Is that to much to ask? The short answer, yes.
This talk by Elizabeth Gilbert that I recently watched presents an interesting perspective on greatness and creativity in particular. She talks about how our culture puts the responsibility for creativity on the individual. So if you create something amazing, you're a creative genius but if you then make something awful, it's because you're awful and have lost your greatness. No wonder so many artists and writers suffer from mental illness. What human being could possibly handle the responsibility of the sort of greatness and creativity we value and expect and produce that all the time. Her suggestion is that we return to the ancient Greek and Roman understanding, which is creativity as something outside of the individual person that comes to us as a spirit from some unknown place for unknown reasons. If you do something great, it's not because you are a genius, it's because you HAVE an awesome spirit or genius guiding you. And conversely when a person really bombs it's because their spirit genius is not stepping up, not because the individual is a failure.
So all of this has me thinking about what I can reasonably expect from myself as a teacher. About how much responsibility and expectation I put on myself to be great, to be some sort of teaching genius EVERY DAY! Okay, so obviously when I put it like this it sounds absurd and impossible. But like creativity, our culture supports this myth of teacher as savior. This blog talks about the teacher as savior stereotype in books and movies as "..one teacher saves the students—not through structural change, but through individual pluck." Just not realistic given the number of outside influences that impact a teachers work in the classroom.
So what if I used that same concept of the creative genius spirit and apply it to my work as a teacher. It almost feels like I can breath again. I just keep showing up, doing my part and hope that my genius shows up too and helps me create greatness, helps me inspire and motivate my students. But if it doesn't, I keep showing up anyways. It's no longer about personal success and failure in the classroom. I don't have to be a genius, I don't have to figure it all out and be the best teacher in the whole world. The Universe isn't interested in results anyway. I just have to be a teacher and if that's what I'm meant to be doing, the Universe, the genius spirit or whoever will do the rest, showing up when needed.
11.10.2011
a day in the life
Check out this summary of my site and what I do here that I did for the WorldTeach website. "A Day in the Life"
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