you are not alone in this

Friday morning I woke up and my first thought was "I want always to wake up here." I woke up with a feeling of pure happiness and contentment to be in that bed, in this house, in this town, with this family, in this country, right where I am right now. While I've had this feeling before, present moment joy, I've never woke up with that feeling. Of course this moment was quickly followed with the reality that I will not always wake up here. But instead of making me very sad, I laid in bed and acknowledged my joy in that moment. I thought about my day and felt grateful and excited to still have, at the very least, a whole day ahead of me to be here and enjoy myself.

"Be where you are
long enough
to be aware
you
are."

I want to write about leaving but I am full of so many thoughts and feelings. I don't know where to start. I once read somewhere of a teacher comparing the end of year to breaking up or getting dumped. You just want to keep loving them and teaching them but they're ready to move on, to summer break and other grades and other teachers. And they might not remember you, they probably won't call or write but you'll always think about them. You invest everything into your work with them only to have to let them go. Now multiply all that by 36 and then again by however many families and other people I've come to love here and you start to see why the thought of leaving gives me a heaviness of heart and a tightness in my throat. I knew going into this "relationship" that it was going to end. But I dove in heart first anyway. And I don't regret it, except that now its starting to hurt a bit and my mind is swirling with doubts. What if they don't remember me? Did I love them enough? Could I have done more? Could I have been a better teacher? And the biggest question of all... How do I say goodbye?

Sometimes it helps to think of going home. To think of all the love and community and reconnection that awaits me. All the continued transformation and growth. Yes this is the end but it is also, as always, a beginning. But this is what tears at my heart. I love two places. I am torn between my love of here and there, of now and then. Is there any way to reconcile this?

Change is constant and loss is inevitable. Sometimes, if we're lucky, we have some warning so that we can appreciate what we have before its gone. It's upsetting to think that all this will one day be just a memory but they will be good ones and until then I can keep waking up here, keep being here until I'm not. It amazes me what this experience is still teaching me. These last days are filled with lessons on love and loss. Yes, my heart is breaking but why? To let in more light and love!

“The heart that breaks open can contain the whole universe.” ― Joanna Macy